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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I was so poor growing up…if I wasn't a boy…I'd have nothing to play with.
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't met me yet.
My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher... →
One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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